If I Ask Enough Questions?

I'm thinking I kind of make all the wrong choices in life.

I just threw that out there; I get that. However, I really feel the need to bring it up. I'm not happy. I don't really like the school I'm at, and well, that's fine and dandy because I'll be transferring soon enough, but I'm also fairly certain I won't like it there very much either. It seems as if I'm starting to realize a little more of what I want and realizing a little more that I don't have it.

I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I don't know who I am and the parts of me I glean, I'm not overly fond of, to be quite honest.

I'm not content with my appearance but I'm not sure what to do to fix it. I'm not content with my school but I'm not sure where I'd like to go. I'm not content with my interests/hobbies/skills but I don't know how to improve them. I'm not content with the people I've met, but I don't know who would accept me.

And it's frustrating. It's frustrating because I don't feel like I'm content in any part of my life. I'm confused and lonely and unhappy with myself. A lot of the time, I feel like I'm living a lie or a sham or some other such thing. I walk around on auto-pilot and I'm friendly with people and people are friendly back at me but I don't feel that I've connected to any of these people.

My hobbies and interests would logically lead me to be friends with people that are uninterested in being friends with me because I never really quite pursue those hobbies or interests. And I feel... boring. And intellectually unsatisfied. Seriously, "higher education," when am I going to be engaged in meaningful, expressive, advanced learning?

Suddenly, the other day, I asked myself, "Should I be in drama?" Woah, what? I've never been in drama. It's always been in the back of my head but I was too focused on doing other things that lead me to failure, at any rate. Not that I particularly want to do this thing. Do I? I don't. I really don't. Know. What I want. At all.

I feel like... maybe I should make a list of things that I am... or... traits that I have, things I'm good at, things I'm not, I don't know. Maybe make a list of things that would help guide me in a direction. Yes?

I'm not certain of anything anymore. Except that being me isn't what I was hoping for when I thought of the future.

Not So Much a Blog, as Much a...

She does exist.

She does exist.


It's true, I do. I've just been swimming around in my head for a while. At any rate, it's a new year so I figured I better get on here and talk to myself. 


Christmas went swimmingly. I had lots of comments about my rather dashing appearance-- heh-- random. So that went swell.


I now have oodles upon oodles of baking supplies. This excites and exhausts me. Mainly exhausts right now, as I'm quite sick. It's obnoxious.


I became rather ill in the D.R. (food poisoning and not Cholera?), recovered just in time for a smooth transition into an awful cold. Usually, I'm into the "suffering woe is me" shenanigans, but this round, I'm quite vexed. I have all these personal plans and goals and feeling under the weather compromises these plans with unexpected vigor.


Blasphemy.


I am, however, drawing a rather adorable piece that made me grin. My mom saw it and was all, "I didn't know you could draw so well! That's seriously good, I want this one!" Bah hah. <3 Thank you, Mommy.


So I have new drawing supplies as well. And I'm so tediously but not tediously attempting to get through sketching this so I can ink it and then COLOR it. COLOR. These markers. These markers! They're so so so. SQUEE!


Anywei. o.o 


I'm looking into becoming a Massage Therapist, part time. It makes a good living for a student. I just need to figure out the easiest, most painless way to go about it. Oi.


I miss Kait. 


So, I had a date today. I was kind of really nonchalant about it, probably because I'm so sick. He postponed semi-indefinitely. He said his grandparents changed their flight to this morning and therefore, obviously, he's stuck with them all day. I'm not sure I understand how he can't go to the movies in the evening, but whatever. I said okay and then he told me, "But later this week!" Uh huh. If I don't call or text the boy myself, I'm pretty sure he won't bring it up.


We'll see though, won't we? I'm not too torn up about it. Maybe because of my compromised well-being or because I'm just Like. That.


I just don't like flakes, in general. Two strikes. One more and I'm rolling my eyes and walking away. So.


<3 There's probably oodles more to talk about. I desperately need to go grocery shopping. But I might just make a list and send my brother.


Ciao, bella.